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My Way

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Probably hardest of all to write this, as it demonstrates how badly wrong the course of things has been.
Everyone and everything I care about always has a habit of drifting away eventually. I find myself rather drifting through life. I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried, but more often than not, the default position has been to cry.
I have become the perennial outsider, the one who never quite fits in, never quite feels entirely comfortable around others, for fear of it going wrong, of being hurt, or of humiliating myself.
More often than not, I feel a maelstrom of anger, shame and inability to cope with daily, normal life.
I sometimes feel I have had a hard life, but perhaps more accurate would be there have been some very sad times, which have clouded and influenced most of the decisions and feelings I have had from adolescence into adulthood.
The crux of all of this is that I look at the lives of other people and I am jealous. The capacity to love and be loved, to look forward to things, and to simply enjoy day to day existence is something which has eluded me, to the point where I feel that I will never feel it.
I sometimes think that, rather than being depressed or mentally ill, I have always just been completely fucked up, to the point where I cannot comprehend how I am going to get through another 40 years of this, only to die at the end of it. I am not actually sure which I am most fearful of- not being here any more, or being here in this kind of jaded, raw and often painful existence. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a “Goodbye, cruel world”, so much as a “Goodbye beautiful, breathtakingly exciting world, full of incredible, kind and inspirational people- it’s just I can’t seem to fit in or belong, or feel worthy of belonging, so see ya”
After nearly 34 years of trying, there comes a point when you stop trying, when you choose to stay face down on the ground, rather than pick yourself and carry on. I have got to that point.
Life was seeming to get so much better, but I fear that even so, that would all soon become another chapter in my autobiography of lost opportunities and broken dreams. If I really had wanted to fulfill a notion of writing a Proustian recollection of my own life, I would have to title it “Remembrance of Things Pissed”.
To the wonderful people I have met in my time, I am a firm believer that we take away the very best parts of others, in our own endeavour to be better human beings. I can’t thank you enough for your love and friendship. Unfortunately, any care, affection or simple humanity ever shown to me has always been refracted through a prism of self loathing, childhood abuse, and my own stubborn inability to admit I am not invincible.
I wanted to be the life and soul of the party, but never really managed that. Instead, I became the slightly misunderstood, crazy guy who, at the first sign of stress, suddenly dealt deep into his treasure trove of unhappiness, and brought out things for everyone to share.
In truth, I cannot face any more of this, of looking in through windows at other people’s lives, only to reflect that I am stood out in the cold in my own life.
I think it’s safe to say that the record shows I took the blows, and really did do it my way, for good or ill, but that is for others to judge now.
If you didn’t know, my name is Barry Morris (changed erroneously to Young by pressure of my mother, but deep down that is who I really am/was).
I am the kid who stood crying in the corner of the playground, because no-one else would play with me. Unfortunately, that was the idee fixee for the rest of my life, though not for want of trying.
So, at this juncture, I can safely say that I faced it all, and I stood tall, yet still monumentally failed, and now it is time for me to bow out, and go to the only place where I have ever been happy, and quietly say goodbye to you all.
My favourite song is, and will forever more be “Electric Dreams” by Phil Oakley and Giorgio Moroder. Have a listen sometime, and you’ll see why it’s such an amazing track, notwithstanding the rather dated 80s electronica vibe.

Take care, one and all, and know that this fool loved you, if only for reading this drivel! Xxxx



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